Thursday, 21 January 2016

You and Your Teenage Son?

(A Play on Words)

The scene: your house. The characters: you and your teenage son.

First Character: 

You lack motivation. You laze in bed all morning. When you do get up you spend hours and hours on the couch in front of the TV. You hang about on the streets and drink in all the pubs in the evening, stay up to ridiculous hours at those niteclub epicentres of sin. And when you do stay in, waste the whole night on your b****y mobile phone twittering, face booking,  surfing the Internet or whatever it is you get up to.

 You come and go when you please with not so much as a word. Your hair's too long. You play your music so loudly it makes the house shake. You don't help around the house. You don't talk clearly : I can't understand what you say - you just grunt in ever-decreasing monosyllables . . . and you put the phone down on your friends without saying goodbye before you've ended your conversations.

Second Character: 

Well - that's just your opinion son.

Saturday, 16 January 2016

A Sunshine Getaway from the UK Holiday . . . Please!

Bob's Blog

A Sunshine Getaway from the UK Holiday . . . Please!

It's January, midwinter in the dour UK and we Brits are all looking forward get away from it all for a holiday abroad in search of guaranteed sunshine. 

Package tours are very popular, but after a week or so following your tour guide around, you do tend to transform from a human holidaymaker with your own mind, to one of a flock of obedient sheep following a good shepherd, without as much as a 'Baa!'.

 One tour guide a few years ago had us eating out of his hand after the first morning when he left people behind because they were late for the day's coach tour. From that day onwards we were all prompt, meek and compliant to his every wish.

Without exception we all queued at the ice-cream vendor that he said sold the best ice creams, the stall that he said sold the best natural olive oil and ate at the restaurant he said served the best and most authentic local cuisine. Meanwhile our guide was sharing an intimate chat, cigarette and possible exchange of cash with the proprietor of each. Meanwhile the other retail outlets nearby were left idly twiddling their thumbs in isolation with no customers whatsoever.

And you return happy from your holiday after a 1-week bargain package-tour of lots of different cultures and countries. Twenty minutes at every place of interest followed by 2-hours locked inside a tacky tourist gift-shop run by the coach driver's cousin. Succumb to all the sales pitches from all the itinerant traders and return, with a sun-blotched face, happily clutching plastic bags, bulging with cheap old tat.

Can't wait!

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Saturday, 9 January 2016

Top Ten Drivers

Bob's Blog

Drivers' Top Ten

1) He's elderly, wears a cap, scarf, gloves, thick coat and even thicker glasses. Always drives at 20 miles-per-hour under the speed limit and doesn't notice anything in his mirror.

2) She's elderly, sports a blue rinse, drives in abrupt right angles. Needs to arrive at her destination early, to allow enough time to reverse into a parking space.

3) He's middle-aged. A know-it-all who thinks he has the reflexes of a fighter pilot. Spends his time at the wheel shaking his head in exasperation at everyone else.

4) She's middle-aged. Plenty of attitude. Can be quite good at getting though gridlock situations. Possibly menopausal. 

5) Young mum. Drives huge people carrier with aircraft tyres. Only two kids in the back, poking their tongues out. Specialises in looking down at you, not giving way and straddling across two parking spaces.

6) Young dad exec type. Always in a hurry. Specialises in lane abuse, juggling two mobile phones in one hand and flicking the radio controls with the other. 

7) Young single female. Always on the pull. Her car space is crammed full of cuddly toys and smells like a perfumery. Always pouting in the interior mirror and squeezing her spots. Responds to Hello Gorgeous.

8) Young single male. Jack-the-lad. Passed his test then instantly rejected the Highway Code. His stereo system crumbles granite. Out to pull young single female (see 7). But there's no chance. He's got four more jack-the-lads crammed into his car with him, each clutching lager cans.

9) 'White Van Man'. The professional multi-drop van driver. The specialist at lane jumping, squeezing through tiny gaps, flouting road signs, ignoring speed restrictions and never ever getting caught. Everyone envies him.

10) Bus/coach/lorry driver. King of the road. Uses his great bulk to advantage. From his superior weight, to his enormous height, to his immense stomach.

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Friday, 1 January 2016

Happy New Year - the Aftermath

Bob's Blog

Happy New Year - the Aftermath

Now is that in-between time. The all-that's-left time when all that's left of the New Year celebrations is a huge recycling heap of empty alcohol cans and bottles and a population sized collection of sore heads. Fridges over-filled with festive goodies are now slowly emptying and some actually reveal right to the back of the shelves where the out of date or shy commodities have lain hidden and embedded since December 20. Meanwhile the Christmas decorations are just hanging about doing nothing in particular until their time is up - or down to be precise. 

Nobody has been dieting or exercising for ten days or more and the guilt factor is setting in. In the UK there is a move for people to give up alcohol for January - maybe we've got that from the States, I don't know. Brewers are very worried that their drink sensibly slogans are being taken seriously.

Some erstwhile keep-fitters have found that their enforced over indulgence, coupled with the leisure centre holiday closures has left them feeling much better. Why is that, doctor?

We viewers are bracing ourselves for a saturated schedule of television programme clones about health, healthy eating and exercise. 

I will do my part to cleanse my body of accumulated festive impurities. I'm giving up my TV remote for January. I'll get up and switch channels manually. The exercise will do me good.

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