Halloween for Cowards

Bob’s Blog

Halloween – oh no!

OK, so I’m an old grump, but Halloween, that cauldron’s mix of under-age witches, kitted out with hats, broomsticks, greasepaint and intimidating pumpkins, is systematically trawling our streets. Those tiny little satanic angels are at it again, bless ‘em. Predatory droves of them are probably scouring every street near you. And they are backed up by their very-own parental security force, glaring at you from over your hedge when you open your door, encouraging you to Treat their kiddies graciously. Has anyone ever dared to say ‘Trick’?

I fight against it. In the past I’ve tried leaving my house and creeping back on all fours under the cover of darkness when I think it’s all over. A feeble ploy, they were hovering in midair on their broomsticks somewhere and swooped to knock on my door as soon as I clicked it shut. I’ve also tried pulling the curtains, turning off all the lights, hiding behind the settee and tethering my dog behind the front door, prompting him to bark until hoarse. That was a total failure as he considers himself more of a sloppy, licking, tail-wagging greeter than a snarling, barking, canine deterrent.

This year I have a master ploy: I’m going to a Halloween party myself, to escape it all. It’s for adults only. Strictly no kids. Should be fun.